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A guide to an underrated, yet key facet of exploring the multiverse– bathrooms.
Artist: JW Caldwell, Photo: Atlas Media
Imagine in the theater of the mind: me. Me, freshly 24 years old; me who had about a year under their belt as a docent at Meow Wolf; me who had no idea what was in store for my shift that day. Now click on my name and look at my profile photo? Is that the person you imagined? If it is - pause - and go buy some lotto tickets because that’s really buckwild.
Okay, now continue: I’m 24 years old, clocking in at 8am, I probably did not eat breakfast, probably did down a 16oz coffee, and I am working at House of Eternal Return. We open at 10am, everything is normal and cool and fine for a few hours, and then I smell it before I see it. A harrowed mother shamefully and quickly approaches me and, with flushed cheeks and a voice rife with contrition, says, “I am so sorry to tell you this but my son is potty training and he saw the toilet in the bathroom of the House and he dropped his pants and pooped in the toilet before we had time to stop him.”
I will not report how much I was being paid in 2018 to work as a docent in House of Eternal Return, but is anyone really able to financially quantify joyfully cleaning up toddler shit off of plexiglass?
This did inspire a lot of thinking over the years, about how realistic is too realistic? And what was the most common question I received while I was a docent? I will always remember the words: “where is the bathroom?”. This is a long-winded series of answers to that question. What is- and is NOT- a bathroom in Meow Wolf? Where can I find the real bathroom? Where can I find the not-real bathroom? Can I pee in both? (absolutely not).
What isn’t a bathroom?
The aforementioned toilet in the House, post-toddler poop cleanup of course.
The Caves are definitely not bathrooms, don’t make Joyce clean it up.
Don’t do it in the Forest! More of it is carpet moss than you realize!
What is a bathroom?
We have some really cool bathrooms in the back, past the ticketing desk.
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There is also a single stall in our gift shop!
What is definitely not a bathroom?
The Omega Cooler? Why would you even pee in here, you sicko?
Even if you walk an acceptable distance from others in the Projected Desert, still do not do your biological business here.
As much as I support a corporate office prank gone slightly too far, nobody from corporate is cleaning this, so what’s the point?
What is definitely a bathroom?
Omega Mart is truly replete with very cool, extremely functional bathrooms such as:
The Black n White Desert bathroom.
This Untitled bathroom.
The Pretty Done bathroom.
The Lab bathroom.
The Red Rock Metamorphosis bathroom.
And the Tentacle Time bathroom. So many appropriate and pretty places for relief!
Cannot pee in here!
The Sa Lawn is where you, and many others, get their hair done! Nasty.
In the Galactic Autoquarium, ancient fish deities would be profoundly displeased with you peeing in the pool.
It’s so small and intimate in the Womb Room, absolutely the hell not!!!!!
Can pee in here with reason
The lobby restrooms are one of four optimal pee locations, just to the left of the reflective seating.
Complete the cycle of beverages and the thing that comes after drinking a bunch of beverages at Sips (with a Z).
Gotta go after harvesting Mems? No problem, just past Aztec Camera is the Ossuary bathroom.
Follow the flashing everything in the Light Portal Hallway to your very specific portal.
The Unreal Bathrooms
This may seem like a real bathroom in The Delaney House, but you’re in for a real rude awakening if you try to sit down.
It’s dark and ambient here, but don’t get too crazy in the Crystal Cloud Cave.
Dude, no.
The REAL Bathrooms
This is a real bathroom located immediately to your right as you enter the exhibit. If you hit the cafe, you’ve gone too far. And if you hit stall 4, you haven’t gone far enough.
Yes. This one is real too. And strict. No vaping.
These are not bathrooms
The Radio Station Break Room may look like a real bathroom but something is…slightly off.
This may be the wild west, but a bathroom - it is not.
You know that red dye that happens if you pee in the public pool? We have that in here and it glows and yells, “HEY THIS GUY DID HIS BUSINESS IN HERE AS A GROWN ADULT!”
This is bathrooms
Near the purple wall photos in the lobby lies a bathroom. We recommend going before you leave this reality.
Located near Cowboix Hevvven, the Sound Garden is so soothing, you may want to stay til your legs go numb.
We hope this has been helpful as to what is and what is not a bathroom. Good luck, and happy hunting!
