Shelley on Life, Love, and A Recurring Buttery Nightmare

Goooooooood morning dear readers! I have to be honest, I am writing this column in the wee hours of the morning. I have been plagued by strange dreams of a man, immortalized in butter, just melting away in a grocery store, just melting and melting and melting and melting and melting and melting and melting and, well, you get the idea.‍

‍To shake off these greased-up anxieties, I would love to melt down some of yours. Let’s butter these things up.‍

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How many residents in C Street?

‍According to the 2025 census, somewhere between 900,000 and 10,000,000,000 depending on the weather, holidays, or if the city has a cool vibe going on that can be looked on with nostalgia in a decade – with a variable of about 500,000 participants who said “nunya!” and slammed the door in the census-taker’s face. ‍

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How do you feel about hamsters?

‍Stin ky.

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How do you deal with being so small in a universe so big?‍

A shrimp is about .75% the size of a human being, while a human being is about .000004% the size of the earth. The earth fits into the observable universe at about 4.85549133 × 10^-18% and that is just the observable universe, who knows what the real percentage could even be!

This is all to say that comparing an extremely small guy, me, to a vast and unending universe could make more sense when you consider what I do and not my size! In the morning, I do some salt water stretches, I make scrambled algae for my family, I lay in the sun and make art using colors that I wish I could show your sweet human eyes. I get dinner with my other ocean pals, I make sure everyone in my reef has nice, nutrient dense zooplankton to snack on. I am one small guy in a universe so big, however the whole universe is not my whole universe. I get to be one organism in a community of organisms that take care of each other, and that is the universe that matters most to me.

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It’s a Thursday night, the T.V. is tuned to your favorite white noise channel and all that's left is a friend. Who will be your quantum satellite surfing buddy for the night?

Oh man, I have this buddy who loves to stay up and watch Moesha re-runs with me late at night! Not everyone likes Moesha, she’s so moody sometimes. But he’s in some Dallas suburb right now, living with this cute family. He’s so chipper, his name is Happy Garry. That’s definitely my quantum satellite surfing buddy.

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