To: All Charter Agents Assigned to the Selig House, Santa Fe Quarantine Zone
March 17, 2016 - 7:06 p.m. (Arrested Time Flow) Success! We have catalogued all the new chaotic formations in the Selig House. I owe this victory to you, my underlings. The great part about being a ranking member of a vast crypto-org with infinite resources and an infinitely expendable staff is that you can simply throw people at a problem until you achieve your goal.
If you could indulge me, I'd like to thank all of the brave Charter Agents who were dematerialized, disappeared, liquefied, rematerialized as a sentient laserbeam, frozen, trapped in a crystal prison, bombarded with ultra-neon rays, swallowed by a vortex in the laundry room, flummoxed, kidnapped by extra-dimensional entities named Gary, evaporated, human-centipeded or turned inside out over the course of this mission. You're all heroes! Pat yourself on the back if you still have one and be sure to celebrate our victory tomorrow with some mandatory and unpaid overtime.
The rest of you should commit this list to memory, as I have wired your devices to self-destruct once you scroll to the bottom of this post. Be sure to shield your eyes.
1). The Light Organ
Guilty Parties: Matt King, Geoff Banzhof, Chris Beran, Zevin Polzin, Jeff Teague, Telo Hoy, Dylan Blanchard. Chaotic Elements: Illuminated and touch-receptive pipes that play the music of the spheres. May reconfigure reality in fun and alarming ways. Portal Location: Upper Art City, near the school bus.
2). The Infinity Spa
Guilty Parties: Abbey Luck (lead artist), Quinn Bilodeau, Cathy Laughlin, Kelley Francis, Ben Wright, Charles Tuttle, Katie Beran, Chris Clavio, Diane Stern, Emily Markwiese, Maggie Thornton. Chaotic Elements: REDACTED. NOTHING TO SEE HERE. MOVE ALONG. Portal Entrance: Kitchen.
3). Laundry Room Vortex
Guilty Parties: Sarah Bradley, Katherine Morgan, Emily Markwiese, Cathy Laughlin, Chris Brodsky, Wesley James, Diane Stern, Chadney Everett, Chris Clavio, Geoff Banzhof, Matt King. Chaotic Elements: A gateway to the Missing Sock Dimension, currently being explored by a half-dozen fearless and hopelessly lost Charter Agents. Portal Entrance: The Laundry Room.
4). Saloon Closet Zoetrope
Guilty Parties: David Cudney (lead artist), Lance McGoldrick, Charles Tuttle, Leo Brown.Chaotic Elements: A doorway that opens up into thin air. My sense of vertigo was so profound that I achieved enlightenment. Portal Entrance: The Saloon in FancyTown.
5). Crystal Grotto (will not finish materializing until after Feb. 7, common time.)
Guilty Parties: Sofia Howard (lead artist), Cat Mills, Shannon Flattery, Eliot Chavanne, Ben Wright, Kelley Francis, Sandra Wang, Dylan Blanchard. Chaotic Elements: Dream resin that crystalized in the twins' closet. Impossible to clean. Portal Entrance: Lex and Morgan's bedroom.
6). Beam Space Balcony
Guilty Parties: Chris Hilson, Robert Everett, Quinn Bilodeau, Chris Beran, Chris Clavio, Katie Beran, Tuscany Wenger. Chaotic Elements: Nicolae Pastore's Laser Harp is more complex with a balcony that includes a light beam controller. Could it be some kind of signal? Portal Entrance: The Laser Harp Room.
7). Glitch Beach LED Panel
Guilty Parties: Dave Mcpherson (lead artist), Quinn Bilodeau, C. Alex Clark, Chris Clavio. Chaotic Elements: Another one of Lucius Selig's delusions of grandeur, this one haunting the shores of his beachfront property. Portal Entrance: Portals Bermuda.
Guilty Parties: Brandon Behning (lead artist), Marcus Hunter, Leo Brown, Diane Stern.Chaotic Elements: A new mural space that uses cell phone flashlights to REDACTED. HOW DARE YOU?! Portal Entrance: The Forest.
10). The Wilderness
Guilty Parties: Anomaly provocateur and snappy dresser Adam Drucker (doseone) with sonic engineer Charlie Huguenard. Chaotic Elements: This residential room is drenched with Anomaly chaos, so much so that it morphs into a new shape every few months! Its current iteration includes interactive sculpture, sound and hitherto unknown creatures. Portal Entrance: The Bridge between Bug Room and Squirrel District.
11:11). New Narrative Objects
Guilty Parties: Billiam Rodgers (lead artist), Thea Elgof Milinairé (illustrations), Patrick Barrow, Shakti Karlynn Howeth, Brandy Oleson, Karen Wennberg. Chaotic Elements: Evidence! A book of scientific experiments discovered in the twins' bedroom. A cleverly-hidden website written by the esoteric musician Nicolae Pastore. Letters from Morgan. Sheet music by Nicolae. Conspiratorial ravings by Emerson. Located throughout the home.
12). Bar, Cafe and Gift Shop
Guilty Parties: Gift shop expansion by William Cobern and Betsy Leonard. Permanent bar designed by William Cobern, Esteban Bojorquez and Chris Miller. Window between bar and gift shop by Justin Di Ianni. New door to future patio seating. New furniture selected by and a new mural painted by Caity Kennedy. Chaotic Elements: Shrines to consumption. Portal Entrance: In the lobby of the quarantine zone. The space is also transforming in subtler ways. I was scrambling up the rocks by Lucius' desert trailer and they turned a deep shade of blue before my very eyes. The kitchen on the upper level of the complex has shed even more of its reality and looks more like a cartoon than ever before. Even the view outside of the Seligs' kitchen window has changed. Unnatural...FYI, you should shield your eyes now.